2020 was a year of change for most of us as the pandemic spread through the world. Although 2020 is the year I chose to reboot, my noise began to build 7 years before. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer while I was pregnant. I think the thought of not having her help me navigate parenting, caused me to begin protecting myself with noise. I kept her help at a distance so I would not learn to rely on it. Luckily, the year she was diagnosed I had a random thought, and with encouragement from a good friend, I acted on it and my mom was soon building in-law quarters onto our house. Even though I was struggling with noise and pushing her out at times, she was always right there. I had 7 great years, with her healthy for most of those years.
While adjusting to the thought of loosing , my mom and also living with her, my job started to overtake my time. It was easy to justify as by this time, my son was in preschool and was old enough to come with me to work. By the time he was in Kindergarten, I was intrenched in my work. We lived outside the school district of my centers so my son was no longer able to come to my centers, which started affecting my time with him.
When I was home with him, and even when we were on vacation, I was stressed and overwhelmed. I just kept telling myself, after ‘insert crazy incident here’, work will not take so much of me. Well, those inserts just kept coming and work never seemed to slow down.
I just kept turning up the noise, and hoping to get through without a meltdown. Then I lost my mama, my biggest fan, my largest supporter. Before losing her, I would say that my husband and her were tied for those last two, but since I have lost her, I realize it was never even close. She was my mom, and really my dad too most of time. She was a warrior and a giver until the end. She will always be who I aspire to be like.
Losing my mom brought my world down fast. I was in Florida for vacation when I got the call to come home to Pennsylvania. We drove straight through the night and I was able to be there with her while she was still able to hold my hand. The peaceful passing was everything she had prayed for, with family all around her, at home in her own bed. That is how 2020 started for me.
By February I learned my dad had stage 3 lung cancer. In March, the world was shut down by COVID. In April my dog passed away in his sleep. We opened our doors at work again the first week of May so my job became more demanding and difficult as we brainstormed and found a way to finance and reopen for our families in need. In June, new restrictions and building issues caused a revamp of our summer program, which cared for over 100 kids still. So more barriers and protective gear, new room arrangements, and supplies needed…..and that was just my headlines for the first 6 months of 2020.
All of this with each holiday and birthday met with isolation, and everyday I was trapped in my house, I was reminded by the empty chair, the empty in-law quarters, that my mom was gone. Grieving in isolation was really hard.
One thing I pulled from 2020 was that my mom was amazing, strong, kind, giving, and would do anything for her girls. Then one morning, while crying in bed, I decided that I wanted to be more like her, or at least make her proud. That is when I decided it was time to REBOOT. Look at myself honestly and take the time to be intentional about myself, and my actions, while finding ways to enrich the lives of those around me.
DizzyLiz Reboot 